Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
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I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
accurate
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.