Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
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Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’m giving up ice.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.