Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
You Might Also Like
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?