Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
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Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“That’s what” – She
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Watching the Super Bowl because I鈥檓 a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone鈥檚 talking about the next couple days.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there鈥檚 one in every room
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
Husband: You don鈥檛 have to wear a mask
Me: I鈥檓 hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it鈥檚 just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don鈥檛 care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn鈥檛 stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.