This made me smile…
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I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Hell yeah 👍
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.