Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I can’t wait!
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning