You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller