My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
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Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
58.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado