cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!