My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
No Google it does not
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I don’t know what to do