I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Incredible customer service.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters