Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
iPhone X
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.