Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase