Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Shortcut
I don’t hate children, just yours.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.