[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
You Might Also Like
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years