My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.