Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.