Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
You Might Also Like
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?