friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You Might Also Like
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change