burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
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Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?