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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness