My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…