My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
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[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.