[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
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I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops