Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
You Might Also Like
I can’t deal with men any longer
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.