[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
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Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
concern
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.