[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.