On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
This makes total sense…
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.