*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
They say women only use 10% of their anger
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”