I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda