[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
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Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
i choose….tongue
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.