me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Solving a traffic jam
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”