I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then