i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah