Some people were born into their job.
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
This cat wants you to take your pills
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
somebody come look at this
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Canadian owl: Eh?