My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
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“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
#CoronaOutbreak
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”