Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too