I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here