Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I’ve had worse
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?