Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Discuss
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back