All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
my first day as a raccoon
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend