putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Netflix and awkward silence?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…