The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it