Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
You Might Also Like
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.