Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
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You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution