I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Swedish for common sense.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit