My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
🙅🏻
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder