“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
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[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
oh shit
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.