Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.