Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
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Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
concern
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?